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Fiixii

February 12, 2015 lifestyle•personal

50 Shades of No.

50 Shades of Grey, the movie, is released tomorrow and it’s making me ill. 

Ok that may be a slight exaggeration, but honestly, I am not loving the fact that possibly one of the worst books around for condoning rape culture and manipulative relationships is being touted as a must see Valentine’s Day movie. Or the fact it got turned into a movie at all, but hey, money.

Basically:  Yes, I’m boycotting.

But instead of just throwing that out there, I thought I’d go into a bit (or a lot) of detail about why the series written by E.L James is something that brings me out in hives, and makes me want to burn things. And why it definitely shouldn’t be anywhere near the list of #relationshipGoals, or seen as an accurate insight into the world of BDSM relationships. I’m always up for a great discussion so I’d love to hear your thoughts and opinions on this too.

[trigger warnings for talking about abusive relationships and rape]

Abusive / manipulative relationships?

I’m glad to say that in the past few years a spotlight has been shone on abuse in relationships, how to recognise it, how to help, and just generally talking about it. 50SoG sort of… undermines all that. Not even sort of, actually. It just does. The number of times Christian Grey makes Ana feel like she will be disappointing him in some way if she does not comply with his wishes, or that he will leaver her, is ridiculous. It makes my skin crawl. Why? Because this is all tied up with a neat little bow and shoved under Dominant/submissive (D/s) relationship. 

That is not a D/s relationship. That is abuse. 

image from the6thsiren

It’s explicitly stated that the character Anastasia is shy, and has trouble expressing herself openly, something that a lot of people can relate to. It’s hard to say no when you want to please someone, lots of us feel very uncomfortable if we do something that may upset. The character of Christian is very aware of Ana’s shy demeanour, and uses it to his advantage. There are many instances when he threatens her, acts violently (in a non consensual way) towards her, and manipulates her into doing what he wants when she is questioning it. There are also constant reminders to Christian’s ‘troubled’ past and how Ana would be a very terrible person if she were to not relate that to his current behaviour.  I’m glossing, but the amount of emotional abuse portrayed in this book is disgusting.

I’ve been lucky enough in my life to have never personally experienced an abusive romantic relationship, but I’ve been in abusive friendships, and the signs are there. Abuse should never be romanticised. 

image from the6thsiren

Consent / Rape Culture:

There is very little continual, definite consent in the relationship portrayed by 50SoG, even though the importance of consent is written in the book. The whole idea is consistently undermined: ‘screw the contract’; Ana isn’t allowed to explore the world Christian drags her into on her own, she must do so under his direction, when she’s had no prior sexual experience*; Ana is, quite frankly. forced to do a hell of a lot she knows very little about. 

It makes for uncomfortable reading. When Ana isn’t sure, says no, or forgets the safe word and becomes distressed, he forces sex on her. If that isn’t the    a c t u a l    act of rape then I don’t know what is.  I get that this book is supposed to be shocking and overtly sexual, exploring an area of kink where force, submission and pain are wanted in a relationship – but the lack of continual consent isn’t sexy. The fact that people are applauding this as a representation of BDSM relationships (where consent is key, continual, and valued) makes my stomach churn. 

I keep mentioning ‘continual consent’, don’t I?  Well that’s probably because I think it’s extremely important in any sort of relationship. If you don’t want to do something, no one should have the power to force you to do it, even during what you’re doing. Just because you’ve started doesn’t mean you have to finish if you’re feeling violated, hurt, or unsafe. 

Something that 50SoG tosses out of the window.

The fact that so many people see this book as an ‘ideal’, or see Christian Grey as some dapper motherfucker here to sweep you off your feet, makes me worried that the steps a lot of people have taken to alert and change the consistent allowance of rape culture in society are being undone. 

It’s just not cool. 

*I’ll just clarify here that there is nothing wrong with being sexually inexperienced. I want to stress that it is incredibly important to be allowed to learn about your likes and dislikes regarding your own pleasure at your own pace.

image from the6thsiren

There are multiple other reasons why I cannot stomach the thought of 50SoG becoming a box office smash hit, which have been outlined brilliantly by other people hereherehere and here, but these two points are things I think are probably the most damaging for society. Romanticising either of these, quite frankly disgusting, acts – pushing them as desirable qualities in a partner, is so damaging.  If I were dating someone like Christian Grey, or even wanted to date someone like him, my family and my friends would be extremely worried. 

I will admit that the 50 Shades franchise has brought about some incredible memes, title puns, some enlightened advertising campaigns, and a fractionally more relaxed view on womens erotica, but in my eyes, that’s about it. The parodies though, are hilarious.

You?

♥

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Comments

  1. Anonymous says

    February 12, 2015 at 7:57 pm

    I love this post Fii but I'm quite sad that this has even had to be written. The book is disgusting, quite frankly, with it's portrayal of BDSM and relationships in general and I'm really glad to see that the stars of the movie are insulting it (as best as they can that is) in interviews. I've written essays upon essays about various parts of the book – Ana, Grey, their relationship… Too much that I care to admit, really, but I won't put any of that here.tl;dr I hate this franchise and it all needs to burn because it's horrible and I hate that EL James has made money off of this //abominationChantel | chanteldione.blogspot.co.ukxo

    Reply
    • Fii Cridland says

      February 12, 2015 at 8:04 pm

      I live for the actresses and actors of disgusting franchises making digs at the franchise. I'm honestly so confused at how people can say this series of 'literature' (lightly using that term, since I could hardly wade through the writing) is a great portrayal of a relationship because 'she consented at the start' etc etc. tTy for adding your two cents though 🙂 xo

      Reply
  2. Sera Brand says

    February 12, 2015 at 8:35 pm

    I personally never read the book, but have heard about the hype. Really interesting post to read! Thank for sharing.xx Sera | STARDUSTBOHEMIAN.COM(IG: @TheStardustBohemian)

    Reply
    • Fii Cridland says

      February 12, 2015 at 9:29 pm

      Thank you for reading! I read the books during the initial hype stage and was very underwhelmed. Not the best, really, aah. Fii x

      Reply
  3. Serene Kurd says

    February 13, 2015 at 1:04 am

    I can't say I've read the books or want to watch the Film, very unappealing for me hehe!Serene xoxohttp://www.imserenel.wordpress.com

    Reply
    • Fii Cridland says

      February 14, 2015 at 3:33 pm

      It's not something I'm an advocate of – to be fair to the books they are hilarious, if you ever wanted to pick them up!Fii x

      Reply
  4. Caz says

    February 16, 2015 at 6:19 pm

    You have just broken millions of desperate mid 50's housewives' hearts with this post 🙂 I know what you mean, as we've discussed this the other day with the ladies on Twitter. Abusive relationships are a no-go and should not be glossed over at all. This isn't about love and respect for each other but total domination and slavery to some extend. I've never got into the books (not even close to the topic) bc it is horrible written and a shame for the literary world. Caz | Lunch Break Adventures

    Reply
    • Fii Cridland says

      February 16, 2015 at 9:15 pm

      It was that chat that really inspired me to write this, and I totally agree with everything you've said there and here. Ehhhhhh hearts will mend, that's the least of my worries!xo

      Reply
  5. Florence Grace says

    February 25, 2015 at 12:26 am

    Love this post and TOTALLY agree with all points made!! You've put them across so well! xx

    Reply
    • Fii Cridland says

      February 25, 2015 at 11:56 pm

      Ahh thank you Flo! xo

      Reply
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fiixii

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a grid post after what feels like 10 years sorry i a grid post after what feels like 10 years sorry i’ve been uh … busy? 
(my house broke but is now fixed and the seasonal depresso has maybe lifted :) ) 

벚꽃 계절이다!!!!!!!
wearing @nacific_kr x ateez shade ‘untouched’ wearing @nacific_kr x ateez shade ‘untouched’ 
a nice deep shade for cool toned people! 😌 the tint is pretty long lasting and isn’t sticky to wear~ i just like gloss overtop 😊 

내돈내산 ~~ 특전 위해서 ㅋ 

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새해복 많이 받으세용 will i post more b 새해복 많이 받으세용 

will i post more because it’s a dragon year? who knows (i will try) 

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ateez 서울콘 후기~~~~~~~ idiot twins be in t ateez 서울콘 후기~~~~~~~ 
idiot twins be in the pit for both days, sound check for one, battered and a little bit bruised. but it was worth it 💖☺️ 

#ateez #willtopowertour #towardsthelight #에이티즈
come with me to get laser treatment done at 클럽 come with me to get laser treatment done at 클럽미즈라미체의원 (lamiche clinic) in seongpa-gu, seoul ☺️

it was my first time getting this kind of treatment done, so i was nervous, but the staff walked me through everything and the process was simple. They have a full interpretation service if you don’t speak korean, too. 

I had a skin evaluation, and then consultation with Dr. Joo. It was really eye opening (and fully humbling) to see my skin like that, and I was open to letting Dr. Joo make recommendations based on his expertise. I do thoroughly research skincare on my own, but there are some things that creams and actives just cannot do. 

Unfortunately due to work commitments I couldn’t do the full 3-4 hours of treatment that were recommended, but I’m pleased with the results of my treatment anyway! 

treatment: 
- rough extraction (not filmed)
removes sebum and other impurities from pores. This was probably the most painful part for me? but i still felt I was in very good and capable hands. 🥲

lasers: 
- affirm mpx
🎯 appearance of pores, wrinkles, ptosis, deep nasolabial folds, cervical stripes 
- fraxel dual 
🎯 appearance of scarring, wrinkles, ptosis, deep nasolabial folds, cervical stripes 
- new accolade 
🎯 pigmented lesions 
- excel v
🎯 pigmented lesions, vascular lesions, elastic lesion
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🎯 skin surface, wrinkles, scarring, pigmented lesion, pimple pigmentation

other: HA filler, front cheek (volume) 

thoughts: 
the pain was less than i’d thought it would be… though I do have quite a high pain tolerance. I experienced some of the expected scabbing during the next two days as the skin healed, and took the recommended medication to help with the healing process. 

after 2 weeks: 
my skin does have less redness, especially around my nose, and the surface texture looks better! I’ve had a lot of compliments on how my skin is looking recently (despite the cold) so overall I am very pleased. :) 

If you have any questions, let me know and i’ll answer as best i can :) 

#seoulclinic #seouldermatology #koreaskincare #koreadermatology #kskincare #skindermatology #korea #kbeauty #kskincare #southkorea #lamiche #lamicheclinic #lamichedermatology
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good morning from the chilly riverside~ even tho good morning from the chilly riverside~ 

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Ttareungi (따릉기) is super easy to use, you do need an app and internet connection, but the user interface is really intuitive, and you can use it in korean or english. The map tells you how many bikes are at any given location, and renting one is a simple as scanning the qr code on the back, paying 2000 won for 2 hours (1000won for 1 hour, 5000won whole day) and peddling off 💖

(as someone who is terrified of doing something wrong, I was really happy with how easy both rental and return is.) You don’t need an account to use them either. 

(toast isn’t the biggest fan, but he doesn’t like bikes so i’ll give him a pass)

@visitseoul_official 

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The Gyeongbok palace night tour is a popular attraction over the summer months, but did you know the National Museum offers guided tours too? 

I went on a guided tour of the museum garden recently, and saw a lot of really interesting structures and treasures of note. Plus it’s nice to spend time outside with the autumn leaves (peak time will probably be around next week!) 

entry to the museum is free, and there are a few different tours you can do both inside and outside of it :) 

#2023gsm #visitseoul #seoul #nationalmuseumofkorea #NMK #seoultravel #seoulexhibition
when the ai gives you an actual jumpscare (the a when the ai gives you an actual jumpscare 

(the app is called epik :) ) 

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:) The festival runs until september 30th! )) 

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..
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summer~~~ has definitely been *hot* this year. Sad summer~~~ has definitely been *hot* this year. Sad to say I definitely haven’t utilised the seasons as much as I wanted to because of work :( I did manage to escape the heat by eating the staple summer dessert (bingsu // 빙수 ) 💖 and chilling in my downtime in cafes! 

I think i’m going to wait a bit a bit for the heat to go down before breaking out the picnic stuff this year 💖 

how do you cool off in the heat ~ 

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Do you know any other media Provoke has appeared in? let me know in the comments :) 

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This sun stick from @marynmay_official is great for on the go application. It contains peptides and bakuchiol, which are great for helping your skin fight off free radicals that can damage your skin. It’s not greasy, and wears well under makeup. 

It’s been such a great addition to my bag that I actually almost forgot to take it out to make this reel 🥲😅

product courtesy of @nurilounge.official and @marynmay_official 

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i made kimbap~ 🫶 Thanks to the Seoul Hallyu A i made kimbap~ 
🫶 
Thanks to the Seoul Hallyu Activites Program I got to go to CJ The Kitchen and experience making Kimbap for the first time ❤️

It wasn’t all smooth sailing but our teacher said my kimbap rolling skills were good 🥹 which … well you can judge for yourself 😂

It was a lot of fun, and there are a lot of different activities to try out on the Hallyu program that unfortunately I didn’t get to do because of my work schedule. You can take dance classes with YGX, craft making classes, go to SBS The Show, or make Korean liquor or kimchi. 

What do you think of the kimbap i made 😅 

@visitseoul_official 
@seoul_hallyu 

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🌺 flower festival season is upon us 🌸 Cher 🌺 flower festival season is upon us 🌸 

Cherry blossoms are probably the most famous flower festival that happens across the country (there are some amazing spots in seoul for seeing them) - but there are a lot of other festivals for different flowers too! 
(I have them saved on my naver maps under orange hearts so that I can see them easily) 

At the moment, canola flowers (유채꽃) are in full bloom (they’re a spring flower in Korea) and there are a couple of great places to see them in all their glory in Seoul. 

One of them is Seorae Island (서래섬), between shinbanpo station (신반포역) and gubanpo station (구반포역). It’s a small island covered in Canola flowers, with a pretty Han river view. 

Seorae village (서래마을), the french quarter, isn’t far away either, so you can treat yourself to some french pastries after visiting, or get yourself a full picnic spread.

(Even though the festival is technically over now, you’ll still be able to see the flowers for a bit longer ^^) 

Other flower festivals happening soon are: 

🥀 rose festival in jungnang-gu (중랑구) 
🥀 seoul grand park rose garden festival 

📌 서래섬 - about a 15 minute walk from 구반포역 exit 2, or 신반포역 exit 1 
(40 Sinbanpo-to 11-gil, Seocho-gu, Seoul)
🌼 The festival runs from may 12-21st and entry is free! 

@visitseoul_official 
💐🌸🌺💐🌸🥰💐🌺💐🌺

#2023GSM #visitseoul #seoul #korea #유채꽃 #유채꽃축제 #유채꽃밭🌼 #서래섬 #canolafields #flowerfestival #lifeinkorea #springinseoul #한강공원 #whatfiiwore #cottagecoreaesthetic 

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